183. Stress

Stress relieves me
and releases me.
Stress ties me up
And makes me sick.
It clouds my mind
With ghastly thoughts
And makes me go insane.

I feel like yanking the
hair out of my head
And totally snapping on
someone -
But I don't.
Perhaps I should,
It might make me feel better.
But I won't;
I can't.
Instead I'll let stress
build up.

182. Untitled (xxiv)

I let you slip through
my fingertips.
I let you walk away
Without much of a fight.
I saw it coming,
But I didn't want it.
I knew it would happen,
But I didn't stop it.

Now I sit here,
Hoping for your return -
Slowly wasting away.
Perhaps I could have
held you --
At least awhile longer
Until you wanted to stay.

But I didn't
And you didn't stay.
And here I am,
Alone,
Wondering why.

180. You Make Me Sick

Your bickering annoys me
Your whiny voices make
me insane.
You argue over the
pettiest things
You're so superficial,
so materialistic.
You badmouth people
behind their backs -
You're such a coward,
You use and abuse -
It just makes me sick
Why can't you just grow up?
You make me sick -
it's disgusting.

179. It

I run towards it
In a frantic state
I don' t know where
to go
But I have to get it.

I run aimlessly forward
But with a goal.
Not knowing what to
expect
Just simply not thinking.

I catch up to it
I reach forward to grasp it
But my fingers do not touch it.
I am in pursuit of something
The chase begins once again

I bow my head
in despair
It cannot be caught.

177. Want

'What do you want?'
That's what you asked me
'What do I want?'
I ask myself now.
I posed the first question
Knowing full well the truth
wouldn't be pretty.
I needed to know,
Even if I didn't want to hear it.
You told me what I - technically -
wanted to hear.
Now you ask me.
Do I tell you the truth?
Even if it contradicts what you said?
What I want is the same as you,
but to a greater degree -
and now!
I tol dyou what you - really -
wanted to hear.
It hurt me, but I'll cope
For how could I truly tell you
what I wanted,
Knowing you didn't want me?

176. Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I get myself into
these situations,
Knowing full well they could
have been avoided?
Why do I do this to myself
When I know I could do better?
I keep taking on responsibilities,
And I know one day I'll crash -
But still, here I am, stuck on
something -
Something that could've been
prevented
I'm so confused
I can't think straight.
I don't know what to do.
My brain is already overloaded,
Now my mind will explode!
But how do I deal with it?
Fix it? Solve it?
Thinking of a situation stressed
me even more
Because I don't know what
I want.
I'm afraid of losing,
But I know I can't win.
Almost all hope is lost,
And the little bit left is
not strong enough
to comfort me
I'm in despair and I
feel so lost
My mind is running,
But the rest of me can't
keep up.
Why do these things happen
to me?
Really though -
Why do I do it to myself?